“Hey, Big Head.”: 3 Changes To Make Before Getting Back With Your Ex
You would think that we would be tired of each other by now.
The back and forth.
The breakup just to makeup.
The roller coasters.
Ups and downs.
Chile, it’s too much. But honestly, with him, it’s worth it.
I thought the last time would be the last time. But here I am again, professing my love all up and down Instagram. Ya’ll know it’s only “official” if you post bae on the gram lol jk!
Here me out, this post is not to encourage you to reach out to your no good ex. So go ahead and delete that “hey, big head.” text. I just want to shed light on what it takes to make a relationship work the next time around. We had to radically change our lives to make it work this time.
This time feels different.
We both feel it.
And we both agree that change was necessary.
We had to do a lot of work on ourselves before getting back together. Like I said, lots of things have changed, but here are my three favorites.
Our Level of Commitment
We weren’t fully committed to each other. After each argument, we were so ready to call it quits. Especially me. My banter went a little somethin’ like this
“Oh, so you don’t see what I’m saying?
Well since you can’t understand what I’m saying then you how can you understand me?
And if you can’t understand me then we don’t need to be together.”
And he’s like…
Whew, chile. Hindsight 20/20, I recognize that those were growing pains. I believe that opposites do indeed attract however, the things that you make you “opposites” can also fuel several disagreements. This time around, we’re committed to working it out no matter how many times we get to arguing. Enduring the growing pains. No matter how many times he gets on my nerves and vice versa. We’re committed.
Our Terms and Conditions
We operated on conditional love. Love that required certain things in order for it to be rendered. Tit for tat. I’ll only express my love for you if you do x, y, and z..and then a, b, and c too. But we all know that’s NOT how love works. Love is unconditional. No holds barred. That means, no matter what you do, I will always express my love for you. It’s a type of love that I strive to express in all things that I do. Agape love. If I say I love you, then I love you no matter what.
We speak more gently now. More raw, honest, and open.
In the past, we used to hold back words and walk on eggshells around each other. Operating in that way caused for our frustrations to fester...which ultimately led to arguments. We were toxic to each other in that way. Always trying to get our own points across instead of slowing down and listening.
But now we listen, actively. Responding in love and compassion. Do we get it right every time? Absolutely not. We both have smart mouths and we’re quick with the comebacks. When we “feel a way” about something, we express it in the moment, gently. I keep saying “gently” because that was the one thing that radically changed the way we spoke to each other. Nobody is really listening and understanding each other when we’re yelling, being combative, and being defensive. We had to let our guards down, be vulnerable, and allow our thoughts and feelings to flow freely. It makes for a more healthier relationship.
If you don’t take anything else away from this post, take this with you…
YOU MUST BE WHOLE BEFORE YOU CAN BE WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
Nobody wants to be with half of a person. Someone who is full of voids and lacks a sense of self. Those are the people that he and I once were. While we’re not perfect now, we’re much more whole than we used to be. We’ve matured emotionally. We’ve worked on ourselves. But we had to do it alone in order for things to come back full circle.
Do the work and allow the chips to fall where they may.
Don’t force anything.
The best things in life occur organically.
Until next time…
P.S. Read Wholeness by Toure’ Roberts…changed my life.